I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
