I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
