You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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