i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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