Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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