we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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