I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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