Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
