i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
