For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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