the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
