The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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