have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
