Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
