I think im going to throw up on grandma
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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