Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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