a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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