Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
