I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
is it fun? or sober?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
