we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
