I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
