Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
did i walk over a car last night?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
