i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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