you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
