I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
