Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
