hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
