He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
