there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
