My liver just broke up with me...
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
