You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
