I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
