I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize