Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
