Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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