things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize