You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
