Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
