I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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