ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
