Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
