we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize