nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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