my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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