i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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