It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
