I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize