lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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