We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
