I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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