Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
