You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
