I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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