I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
