wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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