Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
do nipples grow back?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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