It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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