Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
