You're my little dorito
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
