Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
