i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just googled if crying burns calories
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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