I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
