Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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