This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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