Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
