Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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