He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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