I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Is it because I queefed?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
