You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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