Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize